Feeling Unsafe as an Adult
Such dysfunctional familial dynamics resulted in me growing up and feeling rejected in so many ways. Due to social isolation, I never had friends at school, and no one to play with at home, either. Sure, I had brothers, but they didn’t want to play with me. After all I was “just a ‘girl'”.
Well, the life I endured as a child seemed to follow me into adulthood. I ended up marrying a man who devalued me and cheated on me all the time. When I decided to leave the family religion as an adult, my kids turned against me, choosing to obey the “disfellowshipping order.” Abandoning their god was more important than family ties.
Now I ask myself the question, why do the wounds from the past seem to follow me into the present? What did I do to deserve this kind of treatment? Wasn’t I just an unloved, lonely, and unwanted child? More importantly, how could I get to to a place of “feeling safe” as an adult?
Some schools of thought teach that I must not resist, but instead learn to accept and love myself, in order to heal that old energy of the past. To put into perspective, I reasoned that resistance was futile, so why not just be more accepting of my present circumstances. Why not “surrender”? After all, resisting dis-ease was doing nothing for me, except wearing me out.
So, I surrendered to the illness. This I did by taking time off work because of the extreme exhaustion and anxiety. The angst is likely the reason for the hypoadrenia for which I was diagnosed last June.
Lately, I located a healer who talks about healing the wounds of the past by using self-love practices. I’ve been following Matt Kahn and have been trying out some of his exercises in order to self-soothe and calm my anxiety. Recently, he wrote a book called “Whatever Arises — Love That.” Along with the book were included about eighty audio clips. I’ve been listening to the audios at night when I can’t sleep. One of the most helpful features of his audios are the exercises where he says, “Repeat after me…” His theory is that if we self-soothe using our own voice, instead of listening to someone else’s voice, over time we can heal old patterns by re-writing the critical self-talk with which we were raised.
Safety and Self-Love
I truly resonate with what Matt Kahn says. When I first moved to B.C. after getting disfellowshipped from the family religion, I was reading Louise Hay’s “Heal Your Body” a book of affirmations into my voice recorder, in order to re-write my belief system. So, when Matt Kahn speaks of listening to my own voice and speak lovingly with my Self — my inner being, my inner child — it made sense. That part of my Self that still suffers from childhood wounds of rejection, feeling unloved and unwanted needed to be “re-parented” so-to-speak — by me! I heartily embraced his teachings about self-love. It seems to be the next natural step in healing my lifetime of wounds. After all, how do I find safety, after growing up as a terrorized child? How do I embrace my “feeling safe” task after all these years of being afraid?
Against a lifetime of odds, I have been learning to be more attentive, loving, and thoughtful towards my self. I am working towards feeling safe — a state of calmness — which I really appreciate, in order to feel safe and heal the adrenal fatigue.
What do you do to self-soothe and offer love to your inner child?
Esther on Twitter: @_phoenixoffaith Copyright © 2013–Present.